Chapter 1: How to (Poorly) Plan a Military Coup

After the events of Children of the Gods…

Daniel Jackson—archaeologist, linguist, walking sinus infection, and general thorn in Jack O’Neill’s (with 2 L’s) side—was plotting a crime.

Jack found him hunched over in a dark corner of the briefing room, furiously scribbling in a notepad like a man trying to outthink the entire U.S. military. His lips moved as he mumbled to himself, pausing only to cross something out aggressively before writing even harder.

Jack narrowed his eyes. “Daniel… tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.”

Daniel jumped like he’d been caught breaking into the Pentagon. Which, given what Jack thought was happening, wasn’t far from the truth.

“Nothing!” Daniel snapped, shoving the notepad against his chest like a teenager hiding a bad report card.

Jack gave him a slow, suspicious nod. “Riiiiiight. Nothing—which is why you’re sweating harder than a guy who just Googled ‘how to commit treason’ on a government computer.”

Before Daniel could protest, Jack snatched the notepad with the reflexes of a man who once led black ops.

The first thing he saw?

‘Ways to Steal the Stargate (Without Getting Court-Martialed)’

Jack read it out loud, twice, because his brain refused to accept reality.

“…Daniel. Buddy. Sunshine. You do realize this is literally the definition of treason, right?”

Daniel groaned. “Sha’re was taken, Jack. Skaara too. I can’t just sit here and do nothing!”

Jack rubbed his face. He got it, really. If he were in Daniel’s shoes, he’d be flipping every table in sight. But there was a slight problem with Daniel’s master plan…

“You’re talking about sneaking past armed guards, hacking a high-security military system, and manually dialing a machine that weighs tons—”

Daniel interrupted, tapping one of his notes. “I was considering faking a bomb threat to evacuate the base.”

Jack blinked several times.

“Oh, GREAT. Great plan, Danny. ‘Cause that won’t get you thrown in a hole so deep they’d have to invent new physics to find you.”

Daniel crossed his arms. “Do you have a better idea?”

Jack grinned. “Yes. Yes, I do.”

Daniel frowned. “What is it?”

Jack slapped a hand on his shoulder.

“We annoy Hammond until he gives up.”

The Art of Tactical Annoyance

Jack O’Neill was not just a highly trained special ops soldier—he was also a professional pain in the ass. And today, he was putting that skill to work.

Over the next six hours, Jack employed a scientifically refined method of tactical irritation.

Phase One: Subtle Manipulation

• Casually mentioning in the mess hall: “Y’know, I sure hope the Goa’uld aren’t watching us right now…”
• Walking past an officer and dramatically sighing, “If only we had an elite team of experts to handle this crisis…”

Phase Two: Bureaucratic Warfare

• Submitting 48 pages of unnecessary paperwork, labeling it “Urgent”.
• Creating a PowerPoint presentation titled Why This Is A Bad Idea (And You Should Let Us Go), complete with clip art, animations, and an oddly specific Venn diagram.

Phase Three: Psychological Operations

• Popping into Hammond’s office every 10 minutes with a “quick update” on why not letting them through the gate was probably a mistake.
• Repeatedly mispronouncing Goa’uld just to annoy Carter.
  • “It’s Go-ah-oold, sir.”
  • “That’s what I said.”
  • “No, you said Goold.”
  • “I’m pretty sure I said ‘space snakes.’”
• Convincing Teal’c to just… stare silently at Hammond for long periods of time.

By Hour Five, Jack could see the cracks forming.

By Hour Six, Hammond was teetering on the edge.

At Hour Six and Twenty Minutes, Jack got summoned to the General’s office.

Hammond sat at his desk, palms pressed together, breathing very slowly, the look of a man reconsidering his life choices.

“Colonel,” Hammond began, his voice painfully calm, “if I let you go through that Stargate, do you promise to never—ever—submit another PowerPoint presentation again?”

Jack leaned forward. “Sir, I cannot make that promise.”

Hammond closed his eyes for five full seconds, then exhaled like a dying man accepting fate.

“Fine.”

Jack’s eyebrows shot up. “Fine?”

Hammond rubbed his temples. “SG-1 has a go.”

Jack turned to Daniel, who still had his notepad clutched like a Bible.

“See?” Jack said, smug. “Annoyance always wins.”

Daniel groaned.

That night, Jack stood on his astronomy deck, looking up at the stars.

Abydos was out there somewhere.

Jack sighed, hands in his pockets, letting the weight of what was coming settle in. Sha’re and Skaara were out there. And, somehow, Jack was going to bring them back.

Behind him, the screen door creaked.

Daniel stood in the doorway, looking… almost apologetic.

Jack smirked. “You’re not about to get sentimental on me, are you?”

Daniel exhaled. “I was just going to say… thanks, Jack.”

Jack clapped him on the back. “Don’t thank me yet. We still gotta not die.”

Daniel sighed. “You have such a way with words.”

Jack grinned. “I know.”